the real me

ive never been one for goodbyes, so here's to a new hello. here's to not caring cause were all gonna die anyways, am I right Nelson???

anyways, its good to finally meet the real you. now here's the real me.

if you really knew me, you would know im actually really shy

and you would know I cant count without using my fingers and the song is the only way I can recite the alphabet.

if you really knew me you would know I fall easy
and fail almost every math test ever taken
and I think I might have insomnia some nights

if you knew the real me you would know I have a dimple the size of Antarctica and a birthmark on my left leg that has bugged me my entire life

if you really knew me you would know I obsess over little things.

you would know that hugging is awkward and kissing is weird
and you would know that I bite my nails when im nervous
and nothing makes me more nervous than talking in front of people


if u really knew me you would know that my sister and I have been inseparable since birth yet i still don't want her to read my blog

and if you really knew me, you would know I sing along to every song


 you would know I get super awkward when other people cry
you would know I moved here cause my dad lost his job and we didn't have a house

so heres to the real me, the real us.

ive found myself here, finally arrived in paris, and im here to stay.


thanks to all of my fellow travelers for the comments and reassurance. and thanks to nelson for opening my eyes

yours truly,
Summer Smith

how could i forget

 

I remember painting with my fingers rather than a brush at three
I remember being four and wishing I could go to school already
I remember a squeaky swing set when I was five
 
 
I remember overalls and braided hair at six
 I remember crooked teeth at seven
 i remember when birthday wishes were for baby dolls when I was eight
 

I remember leap frog on the black pavement at nine
 I remember at ten looking in the mirror and being perfectly content with who stared back

 
I remember at age 11 burying my face into my moms arms at grandpas funeral. only because everyone else was crying and I wasn't. 
 I remember at twelve years old, watching my grandma die and hearing my dad say it was okay to leave.

I remember the first boy I liked, he had a crush on me in the eighth grade
 I remember sticking love notes in green lockers


I remember at fourteen taking sunday walks and stealing red apples off the trees.
 I remember you whispering "everything is going to be alright" and it was, everything was alright at fifteen

I remember at sixteen how my first kiss was gross and weird
and how my second kiss was even worse



 I remember intertwined fingers at seventeen and how I still get butterflies
 
I remember being seventeen and wishing I could be five again
I remember being seventeen and wishing I still painted with my fingers and played leap frog on the pavement and filled my baths with bubbles and was content with my face and still wore overalls.
 Im seventeen

I remember



             cause how could I forget

lost souls

beatinghearts

 

I always like to write my thoughts out on paper first because it makes them seem more real.

 



 

 

when you take an anatomy class the teacher teaches you how the human heart works. how it beats like a million times a day and how it connects to every part of you and lets you breathe and move and feel and cry and bleed.

hearts are real


 

and maybe that's when people are in love they say

"you have my heart"

 

 

but when im with you the only beat I notice is silence




 

and the blood doesn't fill my veins till I bleed like they used to

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hearts are strong but mine can only hold on for so much longer

 

 

 

 

 

because a heart only lasts one lifetime and im running on empty....

 

 

 

maybe its time to take a trip to the gas station. id rather have gas than nothing at all.

 

 





 

 to feel my pulse thrive again

and remember what it feels like when your sixteen and his lips are interlocked with yours

 


 

 

cause hearts only beat for one lifetime

 

 

 

                                                                                             and im running on empty

 

 

monsters and sea turtles

 

 

the highest peak in the world, to us, is just down the street.

 

 

 

we've got thorns in our hair but it all makes sense when you stand above the noise

 

 

 

 

the leaves died but our hearts still beat

 

 

 

blue skies don't amaze me like they use to, but that sunset tonight was a bonfire in the sky

 

 

 

and my favorite thing about you is the burning stars in your eyes

 

 

as you look at me under the dull stars above us. the sky cant hear your heart beat

 

 

 

 

 

clouds are just clouds...

 

without you.

 

 

 

 

clouds once were monsters and sea turtles

 

 

 

 

but the dust still lingers in my dreams

 

 

 

 

blackbirds sing a tune just for us as the earth will never be black again

 

 

 

 

 

the sky is fire tonight

 

 

 

 

and clouds are monsters and sea turtles again

 

 

 

 

monsters and sea turtles

 

 

 

and treasure chests

 

 

 

like they once were

 

 

 

 

with you, I see it all again

sincerely yours

Dear Death,


    please leave, if you could, never come back.

                sincerely yours,
                         elle rose

the tears that never show on the outside that are the most painful. your heart is grasping for air, desperate to be free, punching and kicking till you can no longer fight back. your head is telling you no, they wont understand, but your heart is still beating, fighting this impossible battle against your head.


we will never understand what he went through last night. death stared him straight in the face and took him away from us, which sucks. death sucks.

death stole away my puppy too. and took my grandma along for the ride as well.

death is like an annoying scar that will never leave.

no matter what you do to avoid him, he will always come back.


            

            

when you look down

an airplane is flying through the shallow clouds as i write

when you are in a airplane, and look down, all you see are lines, grids, dots

we miss what is actually happening down there. you dont see the lives. the happiness, the sadness, the longing and disappointments, and you cant see the fears 






all you see are lines 
but people are more than a bunch of lines 

up in the air, you miss the lies being told

the hearts being broken

the tears running down his face

the child skipping through the sprinklers

the tears running down her face

the soup being slurped

the drilling of the dentist

the sunday night conversations

the boy never to return home, taken

the songs being sung around a fire

and the fights

and the girl alone in a crowd 

and the arguments over nothing

and the fears of a mom for her lost child

fears.

we fear the inevitable, and the unknown. but its deeper than that, we fear the restless dark nights when we cant fall asleep

the jeans we pull over our legs

and the way our legs look in them

and the yelling

our teachers

and if we are smart enough for it

and if our hair is greasy

and if we will live a successful life

 if we will get married

and our faces that have ten zits

or if our fathers will ever come home tonight

and how i will die

and when i will die

or worse, when you die

or even worse, when you leave me

or if our lives are just a puzzle, with missing pieces, impossible to fit together

 i dont know if it ever will now

as much as i try to block these voices out, they always come back.